“Autism is not a tragedy. Ignorance is a tragedy.” – Kim Stagliano
You don’t look autistic.
You’re just too sensitive.
Stop overcomplicating things, you don’t have autism!
Do you think that no one would have noticed that by now if it were true?
You shouldn’t say that, I know someone that was diagnosed as a baby and they have real issues.
How many times have you heard these? Me, more times than I can count. As a young woman who was recently diagnosed with autism at the age of 22, no more than 5 months ago, my journey to a formal diagnosis was lonely and confusing.
I remember being 16, and asking my mother, am I autistic? ‘No!’, she responded, horrified. I just didn’t understand, how could life be so different for me than for others. Why I liked routines so much, did weird things with my hands or imitated beats of songs when I felt overstimulated (I now know that it’s called stimming) or why I couldn’t make up a decent short story in English class that involved the use of my imagination, no matter how hard I tried. Why people found me so intense, or why I didn’t have steady friends. And don’t get me started on my social skills or interactions. I was the weird one asking someone random in the middle of a loud party what were their hopes and dreams like. I didn’t care talking about anything that could be included in a small talk.
Finding my way to who I really am was and is filled with obstacles. And all along, up until my diagnosis, I told myself ‘I’m just imagining this’. Have you ever felt this way? Because it’s pretty normal when everyone around you tells you that you are. However, no one told me that even psychologist’s can have little to no training on how to spot autism, let alone how to spot it in girls. I went to 4 different ones before I decided to search for a diagnosis on my own, after being told again and again things such as ‘Autistic people don’t have feelings’, or ‘ they can’t hold eye contact or understand jokes, and you can’.
The day I was told I was autistic, I felt this immense relief off from my shoulders. More than 10 years of being told that you’re crazy, overly sensitive and just overcomplicating things, had been finally proven wrong. I was not crazy.
What happened after my diagnosis?
The world was still there. But I was not the same. I am changed, in the best way possible.
I’m still adjusting to the fact that there’s a lot of judgement, specially from people who have a stigmatized opinion of . That you might be treated differently. Not everyone is at fault here, but I believe that people who do not accept my identity, or are not respectful about it, don’t have to share so many interactions with me. Specially because I want to become close with people who can accept me for who I am.
I’m more content and empathetic with myself, more than I have been in years. Finding a reason as to why I do the things I do for the first time, and to stop blaming myself for so many things, allows me to walk this earth more lightly.
I think I have autism, but I’m not sure
If you think you may have autism, it’s not necessary to get a formal diagnosis to ‘confirm it’. Whether you want to or not, it’s up to what makes you feel better. You are not crazy, or too sensitive. Follow your instincts, because they are always trying to tell you something. For me, taking the leap to find out on my own against all other medical professionals opinion’s was what got me finally diagnosed. You know yourself the best.
Autism in girls
I was formerly diagnosed with the ADOS-2 test, which is one of the most common tests to detect autism. But this test is done the same both for men and for women, which I didn’t think was accurate since both have very, very different symptoms. If you’re a woman struggling with autistic features but have been told ‘But you don’t seem to have any difficulties’, let me tell you, you’re not alone. We are better at masking, and sure, I can make an ocasional joke and hold some eye contact, but no one knows that I’m shaking, sweating, and can’t wait to go to the bathroom to catch my breath. Even on a normal work day.
Don’t allow anyone to gaslight your feelings, more importantly if you are a girl/woman. We still have a long way to go for the world to recognize our symptoms as much as the stereotypical male ones.
I’m not autistic, how can I help?
Know that saying ‘I’m autistic’ is not a cry for attention or something someone would say lightly. If someone ever wants to tell you that they are considering they might be, or are, avoid questioning it or gaslighting the person who came up to you. Coming to the realization that you have autism is a pretty powerful thing, and odds are that it’s not the first time they think about it. I must have gone over the symptoms in my head countless times, just to make sure before I said anything to the world.
You can ask, respectfully, how can you help or if they just want to tell you about it. Anything you do from a place of respect and compassion will be helpful.
This world seems to be made for non-autistic individuals, so I think you’ll be impressed at the amount of little things that can disturb us on a daily basis.
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“Autism is not a disease, it’s an alternate operating system.”
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing (Friends)”